Accident Prone
Two weeks ago, my troubles started yet again. Call me a drama queen, but after I left the trainer's room knowing I had to stop running again, I cried.
Being injured has become a part of who I am. I've had my patella drift out of place during 7th grade track season, I've sprained my foot running a 5k, I've had shin splints, (two?) femoral stress fractures, arch issues, ankle issues, IT band issues, groin muscle issues, pulled hamstrings, and the list goes on. "I just don't think running is for you," my mom once said to me. "But," I told her. "I'm addicted and I literally refuse! I wouldn't even dream of quitting running."
So, I guess what I'm trying to get at, is that I am also both literally and metaphorically stuck on the stationary bike. Vladek and I are trapped in our own cycles, impossible to get out of regardless of effort. Injury-free to injury-ridden, over and over...
Every single time I sit on the bike, I feel defeated. "Maybe if I didn't run that eight-mile on Monday, maybe if I didn't go too hard during the tempo run, I'd feel fine enough to be running today." I am trapped in my own thoughts, unable to progress, rooted in a state of unhappiness and blame. Out of practice is even worse. I listen to everyone else talking about their times, their workouts, how hard it is. But they improve, and I don't. Who's fault is it though, but my own?
And don't even get me started on the guilt. Yesterday, my teammates had to run the hardest course of the year in the pouring rain while I got to watch under the safety of a park pavilion. Like Art said in regards to the Holocaust, "I guess it's some kind of guilt about having an easier life than they did" (VII-6). I feel awful about not being part of the runner's struggle, seeing as the injured do technically have the easier life. It's like I don't deserve to be a part of the team, since I haven't physically earned the right. It's an awful mentality for me, with the only way to release these feelings being to run. However, I am absolutely forbidden to do such a thing. My choice is to either physically get hurt but mentally be happy, or "treat my body right" by causing all these awful, guilty feelings to get trapped inside. It's endless, and the "benefits" for both situations can never outweigh the negatives. Obviously running injury-free is the desired outcome, but my body refuses to allow this to happen. And quitting running forever would maybe end that particular cycle, but would start a new terrible cycle in itself.
Confusing, right? I know. Too bad I love this particular form of exercise.
Breaking the cycle always plagues my mind. But no matter how hard I try, I always find myself back on the stationary bike at some point during the season. I can't help but think that in my own little first-world-problem way, I can relate to Vladek's feeling of constantly being stuck.
Being injured has become a part of who I am. I've had my patella drift out of place during 7th grade track season, I've sprained my foot running a 5k, I've had shin splints, (two?) femoral stress fractures, arch issues, ankle issues, IT band issues, groin muscle issues, pulled hamstrings, and the list goes on. "I just don't think running is for you," my mom once said to me. "But," I told her. "I'm addicted and I literally refuse! I wouldn't even dream of quitting running."
So, I guess what I'm trying to get at, is that I am also both literally and metaphorically stuck on the stationary bike. Vladek and I are trapped in our own cycles, impossible to get out of regardless of effort. Injury-free to injury-ridden, over and over...
Every single time I sit on the bike, I feel defeated. "Maybe if I didn't run that eight-mile on Monday, maybe if I didn't go too hard during the tempo run, I'd feel fine enough to be running today." I am trapped in my own thoughts, unable to progress, rooted in a state of unhappiness and blame. Out of practice is even worse. I listen to everyone else talking about their times, their workouts, how hard it is. But they improve, and I don't. Who's fault is it though, but my own?
And don't even get me started on the guilt. Yesterday, my teammates had to run the hardest course of the year in the pouring rain while I got to watch under the safety of a park pavilion. Like Art said in regards to the Holocaust, "I guess it's some kind of guilt about having an easier life than they did" (VII-6). I feel awful about not being part of the runner's struggle, seeing as the injured do technically have the easier life. It's like I don't deserve to be a part of the team, since I haven't physically earned the right. It's an awful mentality for me, with the only way to release these feelings being to run. However, I am absolutely forbidden to do such a thing. My choice is to either physically get hurt but mentally be happy, or "treat my body right" by causing all these awful, guilty feelings to get trapped inside. It's endless, and the "benefits" for both situations can never outweigh the negatives. Obviously running injury-free is the desired outcome, but my body refuses to allow this to happen. And quitting running forever would maybe end that particular cycle, but would start a new terrible cycle in itself.
Confusing, right? I know. Too bad I love this particular form of exercise.
Breaking the cycle always plagues my mind. But no matter how hard I try, I always find myself back on the stationary bike at some point during the season. I can't help but think that in my own little first-world-problem way, I can relate to Vladek's feeling of constantly being stuck.
Abby, I LOVE this post! Some people may think it is amazing being on the sidelines, since there is no pressure to do anything, but it is indeed the opposite of that. Just as you, every time I am on the sidelines for soccer, I feel as if I am not helping my team as I should be, trying to scream "Man On" as a way to make me think I am actually necessary to the game at that moment. The guilt can be overwhelming, and it sucks, but we have to try the best we can to help no matter what.
ReplyDeleteAbby, your post is so relatable! My freshman year of basketball I sprained my left ankle during our first scrimmage. Then during our first game I sprained my right ankle. When I was finally healed and ready to practice, I hurt my right ankle again! In the end, I ended up playing 3 out of the 20 games! It really sucks to watch your teammates do the things you love! One thing you shouldn't feel bad about is feeling like you aren't part of the team- YOU DEFINITELY ARE! In one of past cross country meets, I could hear you cheering me on! Even though you couldn't run, your cheers really helped me run till the end!
ReplyDeleteAbby, I really really like this blog post! I love how you use your personal life to connect to Vladek, and I actually could understand Vladek more through your thoughts about running. It's very eye-opening to see you talk about both sides of being on the team and you do such a nice job of tying everything together in the end.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great way to connect yourself to Vladeck. I can definitely relate to feeling like I am letting my team down due to injury, and I think many people in sports experience the same thing. Even though every experience is different, we can all be connected by the emotions that these struggles bring. Your writing is really interesting to read, and I really hope that you are back out there doing what you love soon!!
ReplyDelete